50 Reasons to Run

50 Reasons to Run

I’m tired of reading all these wonderful reasons why people should run. All these lists say basically the same obnoxious things. “It’s good for your body, mind, and spirit.” Such nonsense!

What about the real things you find out when you run often? With the help of various running message boards, and my own brain, I have come up with an incredibly useless list. Here are 50 strange/stupid/offensive why runners run.

1. Gasoline is expensive.

2. Walking is just too slow.

3. Because you get to apply Body Glide and Vaseline to your nooks and crannies.

4. You enjoy the feeling of sore legs.

5. You like to give people directions.

6. You want to know when garbage day is in every part of town.

7. More stamina for various situations…

8. You just downloaded some sweet tunes to listen to on your iPod.

9. Life without running doesn’t provide enough opportunities to (almost) crap your pants.

10. You don’t like feeling guilty for eating delicious desserts.

11. It’s fun to run next to oncoming traffic.

12. You like doing more laundry.

13. Stinky shoes are appealing to you.

14. It burns an hour or two between lunch and dinner.

15. You think it’s hilarious when people yell, “Run Forest!”

16. Because you aren’t good at any other sports. Those other ones require coordination.

17. Sweating turns you on.

18. It will take a few extra seconds for a bear or jungle cat to catch and maul you.

19. You get to know the names of all the dogs in the neighborhood.

20. Sometimes you’ll swallow a bug. Mmm, protein.

21. You’ll become much more adept at estimating distances.

22. To outrun the zombie horde.

23. Because an addiction to running isn’t frowned upon in modern society as much as an addiction to crystal meth.

24. You won’t be as fat as your co-workers.

25. It’s fun to get rid of clothes because they are too big.

26. You like to explain to people what radio station is 26.2 and why you have their sticker on your bumper.

27. It’s always good to be faster than cops.

28. Nipples will become more sensitive.

29. You like to collect ugly race T-Shirts.

30. It illustrates your superiority over non-runners.

31. You want to save money on your life insurance.

32. It gives you time to think about all the other things you don’t want to do when you are done running.

33. You get to meet other masochists.

34. You like to donate money to various good for the world causes, but only if you get to run a race with your donation.

35. Because biking is for nerds.

36. To be able to determine the difference between a snapping turtle and a rock from a distance.

37. You’re too skinny for football, and too dumb for chess.

38. The economy would collapse if you don’t replace your running shoes every 300-500 miles.

39. You get to know where all the toilets are in your town/city, and to scope out other potential places/bushes to hide in that could act as one if things got desperate.

40. You want to see if you can run 26.2 miles without collapsing to your death like Pheidippides.

41. You’ll get to know which teenagers think you look like a homosexual, not that there is anything wrong with that.

42. It’s fun to pop blisters on your feet.

43. You get more in tune with the natural course of the seasons such as when the deer flies are biting.

44. You will learn at what temperature your genitals go numb when only covered by compression shorts.

45. Because you don’t find cankles attractive.

46. So when you get a massage, you actually feel like you deserve it instead of getting one for hurting yourself from sleeping wrong.

47. You will learn the confused despair that can only come from finding someone has picked up your water at mile 8 of a 12 mile run thinking it was trash.

48. Because you like to carry around a water bottle all day.

49. If the world goes to hell, at least you’ll be able to outrun people to get aide.

50. It’s fun. No, really.

The list doesn’t have to stop here. Add your strange/stupid/offensive reason why runners run below!

– Written by David Tiefenthaler

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